Me Vs. a Novelty, Boozy, Hot-Chocolate Slushie

I spent last Sunday doing some Christmas shopping around downtown Asheville, and in between purchasing overpriced candles and Asheville sweatshirts for family members, I popped into Dssolvr for no other reason other than it’s probably my favorite brewery in town. Despite Dsslvr always having a good beer selection with many rotating flavors, I almost always gravitate towards Pyramid Games, a delicious hazy IPA without being 8% ABV. I ordered a Pyramid Games as my first beer, and just as it was being delivered, I saw a new offering that called to me: a peppermint hot chocolate boozy slushy.

This is 100% something my younger self would’ve consumed by the glass, but the older, wiser me says no to novelty drinks. Still, for whatever reason—maybe it was nostalgia or simply Christmas spirit coursing through my veins—I asked for a taste. It was god-damn delightful: chocolatey, pepperminty, and though frozen, tasted cozy. I decided I’d have to get it next. 

The full drink came complete with a candy cane (and a metal straw, which should’ve been a red flag…), and though I respect Dsslvr and don’t think they overly rely on these tactics, it was definitely designed to be Instagrammed (which naturally, I did). The first sip was just as delightful as my first taste, but then…things got tough.

The more I drank this drink, the less it tasted like chocolate, and the more it tasted like—when trying to describe the taste to my friend, I reported a mixture of mud and Dimetapp®, but I don’t know that was accurate (I was in distress!). I tried eating part of the candy cane, but that made it worse. Additionally, up close, something about the color was just as distressing as the taste…the word “sludge” comes to mind. 

I’m a big believer in not having to finish food or drinks I dislike now that I’m mid-way through my 30s. Still, something about this hot chocolate slushie (and just typing the words now makes me realize just what a mistaken order this was) made me want to win, and I don’t know if that’s what ended up happening, but I did finish the drink. 

I’m not going to hold this against Dsslvr. I will probably order a novelty slushie from them sometime in the future. But it won’t be a slushie with the word “hot” in the title, nor anything whose color brings to mind “sludge.”

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