I Believe…I Think

Every time I encounter a highway traffic jam, I’m reminded how much people suck. While a solid majority of folks start merging over when the signs call for it, there’s always that contingent of assholes who wait till the very last minute, flying down the empty lane like whatever they have going on is more important than every other car whose itinerary has also been disrupted. I have a longstanding belief that if everyone just merged over when asked, then traffic backups wouldn’t exist to the degree they do. This is my attempt at a metaphor in which the cars who pull over when asked are those of us limiting the size of groups we go out in, wear masks when mandated, and canceled planned summer activities that we cherish but are considered dangerous in this current climate. The people flying down the closing lane and then incessantly beeping when no one wants to let them in are of course those who refuse to wear mask and buy tickets to Disney on opening day. They are assholes who are the literal definition of “we can’t have nice things.” They can’t be inconvenienced for the greater good.

We’ll circle back to these jackasses.

I’d recently been re-reminded that Marion, North Carolina, about 40 minutes east of Asheville, holds an annual Big Foot Festival, one that up until recently was tentatively still scheduled for September. This brought me great joy.

I became a borderline Big Foot enthusiast when I listened to the Wild Thing podcast I’ve already recommended once (and will continue to recommend again). Now, I don’t know that I conclusively believe in Big Foot after listening, but I don’t consider them out of the realm of possibility, and I certainly won’t ridicule those whom dedicate their weekends and free time searching for this gentle giant (the  podcast convinced me that if Sasquatch exists, it’s peaceful, evolved, and thus deserves to be categorized thusly). I’ll save my derision for anti-vaxxers, flat Earthers, anyone who says “Deep State” with a straight face, people who think Trump is a genius businessman, or all the Facebook friends I have who’ve recently outed themselves as #AllLivesMatter folks. All of those are rooted in fear of change and genuine stupidity. At least the search for Sasquatch is rooted in science and a sense of genuine curiosity.

Think about it this way: we all know people who consult either psychics or astrological charts. The healing powers of crystals is trendy. Religion’s entire thing is having faith that an entity greater than yourself exists and rules your every action. There’s literally a debate right now in this country that science is a real thing. Why is Big Foot and his (hers? their?) fans pushed to the fringes? You know what that’s called? It’s called f***ed up.

I don’t want to give too much more of the podcast away because I think it’s worth a listen, and want more people listening so that I don’t seem like a weirdo trying to start casual Sasquatch discussions. I think it makes some very salient points about why we haven’t caught the Big Foot, again, not necessarily enough to make me pray to him on Sundays, but enough to entertain the thought that like successful MLM schemes,the Illuminati, and ghosts, holy or otherwise, that they very well could be real.

I became a full-fledged Big Foot enthusiast when I learned that my native PA ranks third in the country for Big Foot sightings after California and Washington, beating out perceived Yeti mainstays like upstate New York and the entire Rocky Mountains. I can only imagine a PR-savvy Yeti must’ve gave this press push in the spring of 2019 because Big Foot was dominating PA headlines.

When all’s said and done, I  find the concept of Big Foot fun. They don’t have the fear factor of ghosts, or the fraught political overtones of other conspiracy theories, and unlike being anti-science, their possible existence is rooted in what we know about evolution. I was all in for the Marion Big Foot Festival, hoping that the people of Western North Carolina would, if not for the safety of their elderly relatives, help flatten the curve so that the Marion Big Foot Festival was able to roar forth unimpeded, but like a god damn traffic jam, people couldn’t just follow simple directions to make life easier for everyone.

Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting anxiously for Wild Thing Season Two and the 2021 Marion Big Foot Festival.

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